What I learned trying to quit social media (Part 2)

Saturday October 21st, 2023

Social Media & C-ptsd

I thought I was empty- it turns out I am overflowing

Taking a break from IG has helped me to see the challenges that were always there. Me, non-stop measuring myself against others - and it didn’t matter if I briefly felt that I’d won or lost - my interactions on the platform felt limited by the unspoken value system of the site, which can only be known if they shared their secret algorithmic strategies.

But they can’t. Imagine if they were transparent about what they knowingly expose us to in order to learn, predict and eventually influence our thinking, sense of worth, and behavior. All for profit.

I could usually only see what I’m not on IG. I can see “better versions” of me and they seem so close - almost accessible. Close enough that I can convince myself to be more like them. And I have to because I can no longer see myself.

I found myself feeling so defensive on IG, inside rationalizing why my page wasn’t attracting views or attention and my time there was one of constant pivots, do-overs and restarts. Attempts to rebrand myself into someone more popular? sharable? viral? instagrammable? I wasn’t even sure what I wanted.

But I knew my sense of powerlessness was increasing as I imagined IG as the only way to be in the world and connect with others. By stepping away I helped to remind my nervous system that it’s not.

I also had to ask- why IG? What is my intention? My reason for being there?

I was a little embarrassed to accept that creating an audience was a lot of it- that’s what we’re supposed to do in this attention economy, right?

I didn’t want to be left behind. I thought I could create while being watched and evaluated- but instead I felt inhibited and silenced myself.

I was also on IG out of a sense of obligation-that I had something to share and that it was selfish not to share. It clicked right in with my early childhood conditioning to heal others even if it came at the cost of my own needs. But there were also upsides - and in my best moments, I found connection with lots of you and got to express words that lived in my heart and wanted to roam free out in the world.

But the inspiration stopped coming because my sense of fear increased. My inner guidance was too subtle to be heard over all the business building, brand building and audience growing advice I was getting. And I decided if it didn’t feel honest, authentic, safe and loving- I didn’t want it.

I found that I was mostly bracing for an attacking or passive aggressive comment, someone randomly tagging an old pic of me without my consent. Or folks from my distant past wanting to rekindle because they’re curious, bored or frustrated with their life. I had to accept that until I could steady my inner emotional landscape, I was steady being triggered- without and real upside.

I wasn’t experiencing the positive growth of introspection, true connection or deliberate, patient growth. It felt like I would log-in to a cycle of chaos, everyone motivated by their own, very specific, mostly unknown emotional needs (myself included) - and we’re all trapped into a system of forced compliance and acceptance. Which for me was too big an echo of the control and abuse of my early childhood. I felt forced to play the game and guess the rules. My inner voice only became more confused and critical until, at last, I came to accept that this little icon on my phone was exhausting me for their shareholder’s bank accounts. And I was not getting an equal benefit in exchange for my precious emotional energy and sense of identity.

So I forced myself to take a break. I have an ongoing history with overcoming addictions, so I’ve collected some tools for when I feel I’m losing awareness of my agency and sense of self. My first step is to find a way to interrupt the pattern. It’s usually a stair-stepping down process that takes time. I have to practice a lot of self compassion so that my vulnerable parts feel safe to reveal themselves. It’s embarassing when I can’t handle what society says I should be able to. I’ve assummed the problem is with me, even though the mature part of me knows it not. I start to practice presence and see how my body and nerves feel when I’m on the app—does time speed up or even disappear? Can I slow down my racing thoughts so that I can begin to make out the words? Why is my heart thumping? Why do I feel behind, not enough…again? Why do I feel resentful of people I care about? Why do I feel like were all competing for limited resources and attention. Why do I feel like I’m being pushed to become a person I don’t want to be in order to visible on this app?

Why do I feel tricked into working for a pay-off I don’t even want? I don’t want to be an influencer. I want a life of freedom rather than fame. Fame seems like a trap in a fancy outfit.

It’s my dream to beam a signal out to a community of caring, compassionate folks who are thoughtful about the world and their place in it. I want a space to safely share the fruits of my innerwork so that I can mark my own evolution and what I’ve overcome in the chance that it might be beneficial to someone elso too. I want to share some of the resources that have come to me through grace, effort and sometimes heartbreak. I want to be real and trustworthy, not only in my connections with others but in my relationship with myself and my Spirit.