21 Ways to Receive Your Love
Putting Love into Practice
From a purely energetic perspective, I believe that Love is the most organizing, regulating force in the Universe. As a Reiki practitioner I’ve learned to quiet my nervous system enough to sense the subtle energies our emotional states create in our physical bodies. I know the tense, contracted vibration of guilt or fear is completely different from the the steady, expansive, energetic flow of Love. I know that when I choose to practice self- love, I’m choosing to offer my body restoration, relaxation and peace. Ultimately I’m offering my body deep healing.
It seems strange that we’d have to learn how to practice self-love, but when we consider the culture of capitalism and violence we live within, it makes more sense. The individualism and competition imposed on us prevent the safety of connection and community that we most crave. A body stuck in cycles of fear and survival will have a challenging time holding the easeful, relaxed state of love. This is exactly why we practice - so we can teach our body how to hold onto the satisfying, joyful, peaceful feelings for longer. When you allow your body to rest in restorative vibrational states, your body creates a cascade of chemicals that organizes and heals at a cellular level.
Through my own practice of self-love and healing, I learned that I could not worry myself into wellness. Instead I became willing treat myself with more compassion and care. Slowly I’ve learned to pay attention to the critical voice that creeps into my mind or the queasy sensation of guilt that quietly forms as I practice new boundaries. Learning to practice self-love may feel awkward at first (for me it did). At it’s core, all of the practices teach you spend time with yourself without being judgmental or critical. These are the actual practices I’ve collected and used to build a bridge back to a Self I thought I’d long lost. I still use them daily to stay connected with my Spirit, my needs and my desires. Think of it as a list of experiments to try, knowing they will eventually lead you the discovery of your own unique practices. As we incorporate Spirit-nourishing thoughts, experiences and behaviors, we gently crowd out the old ideas and beliefs that kept us feeling small and stuck.
Directions:
Float through the list in no particular order, allowing yourself to be guided by only what interests you. Take what works for you and leave the rest. Give special attention to what you gravitate towards or enjoy most. Try choosing two or three practices to try in a week. Notice what feels good or helps to shift your mood and do more of that. Quiet your brain and listen to your body. Have fun. Repeat.
Receive
Receiving is where we begin. Before learning Reiki, I hadn’t given much (if any) thought to the idea of giving or receiving. I believed what a lot of us were taught: Giving is good, Selfishness is bad. Traditionally in Tarot we might also look to the High Priestess or the Empress cards to learn to open ourselves to goodness, but I chose the Nine of Pentacles (see photo above) as our muse for self-love and receptivity. The Pentacles suit teaches us how to bring this energy in our everyday lives. The Nine of Cups calls you to embrace your own company. Just as the person on the card, we find time to be with our Self. We find quiet space, preferably in surroundings that we find both beautiful and safe. In these times you’ll want to opt for herbal tea instead of the triple shot latte. Turn off your screens and have a conversation with your Inner-Self instead. Pause, breathe deeply and notice the shapes of trees against the sky and the abundance of grapes, heavy on the vine. Be immersed in your own experience. See the snail near the bottom of the card, moving only as fast as it’s slowest parts - and understand that you can do the same. Take your time -there is no rush. Know that your timing is divine. Feel embraced, surrounded by natural wisdom and wonder. Allow yourself to feel seen and known by You. You are becoming your own best friend.
Listen to your body’s most basic needs.
Most of us have been conditioned since Kindergarten to meet other people’s requirements and demands. We learn to ask permission for bodily functions like using the bathroom. Now, as an adult, we have the authority to redirect our attention from what others need back to what we most need. Practice tuning into your body’s signals - like when it’s thirsty, hungry, or when you need to use the bathroom. It’s so easy to put off our needs in favor of productivity, but we don’t realize we’re sending our subconscious mind the message that our needs aren’t important. Practice listening and giving yourself the attention you most need. Treat yourself with tenderness and patience.
Play
I like to classify it as low-stakes play. You can’t make a mistake or get it wrong. There is zero expectation of a finished project and you’re not allowed to compare your work to anyone else’s. Competition is irrelevant in the realm of creative play. Tell your inner-critic to take some time-off or go to bed early. Find a puzzle or game that’s challenging and beautiful to look at . Here are a couple I’ve done recently here and here. Puzzles have been a great way for me to understand my ADHD - I get to observe the way my brain wants to approach problem solving. I appreciate the beauty and color of the puzzle when it’s in a thousand parts and I feel such satisfaction as the pieces come together in service of a larger vision. It’s also a good way to see what your brains is thinking when you’re not paying attention. My mind will start feeding me all sorts of fearful thoughts when my body starts to relax into puzzling. I remind myself to breathe deeply and one-by-one I allow the fearful thoughts to dissolve into play.
Make a Love List
If you’re anything like me, you’re a pro-list maker. But this is going to be a different kind of list. We already know how to track all the things we need to do, but are you practiced in making a list of what you most LOVE about yourself?
I usually start my Love List by handwriting on a loose sheet of paper or on a page in my journal. For example I’ll write: “I love my sensitivity.”
Or sometimes, if I’m writing about a part of me that feels conflicted, I’ll frame it in self acceptance. For example: “I love and accept my tenderness.”
Give yourself 15 minutes to write down what you love about yourself. If it’s taking a while to come up with qualities that you love, just know it’s only a matter practice! We’re re-training our mind to find what’s wonderful instead of scanning to find what needs to be corrected. Once you’ve got your list, type it up as a digital file that you can keep in Notes on your phone. Allow this to become a grounding resource that points you back to your true self when you may feel disoriented or confused.
Breathe
Has breathing become one of those recommendations that makes you want to roll your eyes? It was for me. Especially because I was pretty sure that I already knew how to breath (turns out I was wrong). And then in my late 30’s are started to experience a growing number of chronic health issues, starting with eczema. It wasn’t until years later that I was tested to find that my body’s methylation levels were low, meaning that my shallow, anxious breathing had become habitual. What began as a childhood coping mechanism to manage trauma and anxiety had been memorized and repeated by my autonomic nervous system for decades.
The good news is that we can increase our lung capacity and our body will happily adjust to an increased intake of oxygen. I recommend playing relaxing music before bed, set a timer for 30 minutes and practice slow, conscious, deep breathing into your belly. Keep going until you fall asleep or the music ends.
Use these simple instructions to start working with the 4-7-8 Breath:
Exhale completely through your mouth, making a whoosh sound.
Close your mouth and inhale quietly through your nose to a mental count of 4.
Hold your breath for a count of 7.
Exhale completely through your mouth, making a whoosh sound to a count of 8 (this is one breath).
Now inhale again and repeat the cycle three more times for a total of four breaths.
Cuddle-up
We used to have a very sweet and verrrrrry energetic dog named Danger. When he was’t busy barking or overcompensating for his small dog stature, he was an amazing cuddler. He would nuzzle in the nook of my knee or in the bend of my elbow and we’d settle in for a few hours of contentment. A good dog (or pup, cat or kitten) cuddle can make the world feel like a better place. We push pause on the demands of the world and tune into the precious quality of the current moment. It’s a time of loving and being loved. Of allowing softness and tenderness. Recently I bought an inexpensive heating pad to create a different version of the cozy times I still cherish. Now when I want to create a soft emotional space for tender feelings to emerge, I’ll get into bed and turn the heating pad to a gentle warm setting. I usually put it behind my back or on my belly. Although it’s not the same as nestling with our adorable Danger dog, I pretend the heating pad is my imaginary, cuddly, furry friend.
Get a digital library card.
I like to enhance practice #6 with a really good audio book. I’ve recently gotten back into the pleasure of fiction. After years of reading only non-fiction, health and consciousness-raising books it’s been so much fun to enjoy the pleasure of a good story. I like that audiobooks push me to use my imagination and create visuals in my mind’s eye. If you need a recommendation I’d suggest starting with The Maid. The completion of a mystery is so satisfying. Go here and follow the prompts to sign up for a card.
Use the word “choose” before anything you feel like you have to do.
They say Power is a drug. Which I suppose means that Powerlessness is a strong sedative. Over the last few years so many of us (no matter where you live in the world) have started to look at our government’s institutions and practices only to realize that their endemic failure is by design. No matter where you live, powerful people have a vested interest in building a class system and a reality that upholds their power and encourages your sense of powerlessness.
Naturally, there are areas in all of our lives where we’d like to feel more agency or maybe more freedom over our choices. But I’ve learned that by connecting to the power I DO have, I’m growing my sense of personal authority and empowerment. Alternatively, when I focus on what I’m unable to affect, fix or improve - I’m reconditioning my mind and body to believe that I don’t have the power to influence my environment.
An easy way to start reclaiming a sense of power is to use the phrase “I choose” before anything you do. If you need to go to the grocery store, you would say “I’m choosing to go to the grocery store.” This practice has a nice effect of fortifying your belief in your daily choices. Gradually we begin to pause long enough to decide if we actually want to do what we say we’re choosing. Do you really want to choose to hang out with that person who leaves you feeling depressed and drained? Maybe you want to choose something different this time.
When you want to watch tv
I’ve become very conscious of how the details of my day impact my mood and nervous system - and screen time is a big consideration. When you want to watch tv, or social media programming, try consciously choosing programming that uplifts your mood or adds value to your life in some way. Not everything has to be educational, but maybe it can be relaxing, funny or inspiring . Our nervous system is affected by what we expose ourselves to. If we watch a lot of scary stuff - fearful thoughts will increase. If we watch programming that inspires us through beautiful scenery or silly humor, we’re offering our body a time of rest and restoration. Imagine thinking thoughts that are serene vs. scary. Here are some of my favorites shows for laughter, creative thinking or inspiration. are Escape to the Country, Would I Lie to You, Poirot, Task Master.
Journal
For a v e r y long time I journaled to vent. When I go back and re-read journals from 10 and 20 years ago, I’m amazed by the insight I had - but I didn’t yet believe that things could get better. I wrote about my stuckness and confusion and without realizing it, kept myself stuck and confused. Since then I’ve learned to write towards my future. I still acknowledge the challenges that come up- but now I write to affirm myself. I write what I’m doing well and what dreams I have for the future. I have fun and doodle in the margins.
Fall in Love with your Younger Self:
Get a photo of yourself as a little kid. Keep this pic on your phone and look at often. I have a picture of a 6 year old me as wallpaper on my phone. In the picture I’m looking a little rumpled and messy on picture day. I’ve learned to have so much love for this vulnerable part of myself that still exists with me today. I also have photos of myself and my husband as little kids around our desk in the office space.
Each time you open your phone and see your sweet younger self, imagining sending them your love. Keep it simple and general. For me it began as an intellectual exercise that eventually became an tender emotional experience. You deserve your love.
Pamper yourself
Pampering ourselves is about taking the time to make a connection with our inner Self and the parts of our physical body that are usually taken for granted or ignored. Use this time to observe and listen to the messages of your body. Here are a few of the ways I create a ceremonial time of self-love when I’m doing my bathroom routine.
Natural / organic products: Free yourself from the hormone disrupting chemicals that are in far too many of our standard beauty products. Upgrade to a shampoo and conditioner that supports scalp health, switch to aluminum free deodorant, replace the harsh facial acids and exfoliators with gentle face oils.
Dry Brushing: Before I take a shower, I stand in the bathtub and dry brush my body (starting and the feet and moving upwards in the direction of the heart, keeping the pressure of the bristles very light) Dry brushing helps with lymphatic drainage, exfoliation and circulation. I spend time with my body in a loving and non-judgemental way.
Oil: I love oils - face oils, body oils, hair oils, all the oils. I used to have acne and I spent a lot of time and energy searching for a solution. My solution came in the form of dermatologists recommending antibiotics, harsh chemicals and retinols that I would be on for 20+ years. But my teenage self would have done almost anything to free myself of the embarrassment of imperfection and judgement. And although I had sporadicly clear skin for some of that time, we never discovered the underlying cause of a gut health imbalance. Now I know what’s going on with my gut because I’m not masking the true health of my skin. I had to release my desire to look “flawless” and forever young- and my willingness to suffer for it.
Massage your Feet: Your feet are associated with your root chakra. This energy represents your sense of safety, security and steadiness in life. So often we ignore our feet. They are the unsung workhorse of our lives - the “dogs” that occasionally bark when we overwork them. Many of us hide our feet, thinking they should only be shown when pedicured to perfection. Your feet are your key to overall alignment. Get a small rollerball to help re-energize stiffened fascia. Rub your tootsies with with a little scented oil before bed. Care for them as well as they care for you.
Get your body in nature (or fake it)
For so long I saw nature as something distant and separate from myself. I’ve always lived in cities and with the exception of a few months at summer camp during awkward adolescence, I never spent much time in nature. Actually I never liked being in nature- it felt uncomfortable, always too hot, cold, damp or buggy. I preferred hotels. And then I started to understand that I WAS nature. I AM nature. I’m a city-bound in Brooklyn, but now we go to a nearby park at least once a week for walk through the woods. I allow my eyes to look up and around. I breathe in the sweet air of decaying leaves and relish in the natural brilliance of imperfect beauty. Science is now proving that our time in nature improves our immune function and helps balance the autonomic nervous system. If your urban experience doesn’t allow for much time in nature, you can still enjoy its benefits by diffusing essential oils for a similar effect. Use spruce or eucalyptus for earthy, forest scents. Burn palo santo wood or incense to clear and ground energy.
Other ways to bring nature into your world is to change your digital screen’s wallpaper to a nature landscape painting or photograph. Buy yourself a plant and give your new green friend a name!
Mirrorwork
Louise Hay brought us Mirrorwork as a way to understand what our inner-critic is up to. Find a mirror in a location where you can sit in front of it. This can be a full length mirror or a small hand mirror. If you have the room, create a small altar with items you love. Allow this space to become a draw and a destination for you. Look in the mirror, making eye-contact with yourself and say “I love you, (insert your name)." This practice was designed to elicit resistance. So we allow the negative thoughts to come up, we allow the tears to come up. Hay recommends that we write down the negative thought patterns that we start to notice as we do mirror-work. For each negative thought, you’ll work on re-writing it into something postitive. Here’s and example of how I’d do mirror work:
Me 💁🏽♀️: I’d say - “I love you so much, Cameron”’
Mirror🪞: Then I’d hear something like “You’re nothing special.”
Me ✍🏽: I’d write down “You’re nothing special” and then next to the first critical thought, I’d write my upgraded self-talk to: “You are so special to me. I love and cherish you.”
Rest
I am anti-hustle and pro-human.
Like many of us I grew up learning that life would be unfair, difficult, and I would always be at a disadvantage. I accepted that I would have to work harder for less acknowledgement and money. I learned early that I could never be enough, so I overworked and overcompensated for my perceived lack. I listened to the old tropes - that I could sleep when I was dead and I did my best to live that way. I deprived myself of sleep in favor of productivity. I huffed the fumes of capitalism, believing that maybe one day I could consume my way into loving myself. Instead I ended up exhausted, insecure and chronically ill.
Eventually chronic illness demanded I sober up (literally) and reclaim my life. I began to see how my self worth and resilience grew as I rested. I still followed the news but learned to disengage from the social media model of stoking my outrage and depleting my emotional energy. I saw that resting gave me a supply of energy to draw from which allowed me to feel prepared when a national or global crisis demands our collective attention.
If you find yourself feeling guilty for resting, I recommend following the Nap Ministry on IG. In their own words “It seeks to honor, reimagine and recapture the dream space that was stolen for centuries.” They are creating a cultural shift by positioning rest as a form of resistance and reparations with in a capitalist system. They are inspiring a movement that examines sleep deprivation for all people.
Give Yourself a Social Media Break
I’m a big fan of social media breaks. I haven’t posted to Instagram in over a year, but I still feel the pressure to get back on and participate. Sometimes I just miss the connection - it’s confusing and that’s my whole point. If you need a little help creating some social-free space in your life, I highly recommend watching the Social Dilemma. I learned that neuroscientists were brought in to help create an app and an algorithm designed to destabilize our sense of self so that we’ll stay engaged, hungrily searching for external approval (and creating an addiction in the process). If the creators of Instagram no longer use it or allow their children to use it—then I know to proceed with extreme caution.
Work with affirmations.
I love affirmations. If you believe in psychology or neuroplasticity - then affirmations are for you!
In it’s most basic sense, affirmations ask us to write ourselves a new reality in the present tense (so that we can start practicing our new way of being now.) We accept that there is no moment more potent or powerful than right now.
The past has already happened, the future hasn’t been designed. It’s in this window of time (now) that we practice presence in order to deliberately create a future vision that we want. When we live without a forward vision, we inadvertently keep recreating versions of the past. I did that for a while - no fun.
So many of us think that if we could just get the money, or relationship, or career that we think we want - then (and only then) can we be truly happy. But here’s the catch, if your not happy (now) and you’re not practicing how to be happy (now), then your mind and physical body won’t know how to experience or maintain the energy of contentment, joy and satisfaction once all the goodies you want arrive. Affirmations teach us how to read and speak our way into a new future.
As you begin working with affirmations, it may feel insincere or feel like you’re “faking it” because you don’t fully believe in all the good that you hear yourself saying. But remember, you’re trading in the old, untrue, inherited belief systems and upgrading to a truth that you deserve. You’re working with a quality of thought and an energy that carries momentum, but you’ve got to believe in the change before you can see it appear in your life.
Daydream about the future
"Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited, whereas imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution."
- Albert Einstein
Imagination has the power to entice us out beyond our limited beliefs. My husband likes to call our day-dreaming “pre-membering”, because we’re remembering a future before it’s happened. We’re choosing to create a future possibility by practicing new thoughts. If you’ve experienced trauma or complex ptsd, you may already know that it can alter the way your brain process information. Trauma makes survival our main priority, usually at the expense of play, joy and dreaming. Dreaming introduces us to new, bigger ways of seeing, thinking and being. When I wasn’t sure how to dream or imagine beyond my current reality, I worked with New Moon Astrology by Janet Spiller. Each month you can choose the qualities aligned with the astrological sign of the new Moon.
If you're a visual person, try making your own icon or sigil with Color, Form, and Magic. Create a vision board to surround yourself with visual reminders of what you want your life to feel like.
Guided Meditation.
I listen to guided meditation daily. I’ve found that keeping positivity coming into my mind helps to offset the habitual worry and fear that I’m slowly releasing. In the morning I tune into 15 minutes of affirmations or a spiritual talk. At night I listen to a 20 minute meditation that walks me through relaxing my body and closing the day with a focus on possibility. I write my own affirmations and I record my favorites on my phone for future re-listens . I also write them on index cards and hang them on a wall or bulletin board. I even got a chalk marker so I can write on the bathroom mirror. I surround myself with what I want to believe.
If you’re interested in expanding your sense of possibility, I highly recommend Susie Pearl’s Instructions for Happiness and Success. I loved this book so much I bought a copy for everyone who worked for me…and anyone who showed the slightest interest! It’s designed to be an activity book with pages that fold out for fun creative play. There are soothing and motivating online meditations that correspond with the book.
Talk with your Spirit
You are made up of the same energy that comprises the Universe. This Source energy exists within you and outside of you. This vibrational intelligence knows, loves and cherishes you. The best part is that we get to decide on the relationship we want to have with our Spiritual Source. There are no rules - you can call this energy whatever you want, Higher Self, Source, Spirit, Inner Wise Self, God…
It took me a while to understand that we learn our beliefs about God from our family. If we were rejected, unseen, abandoned or abused by our early care-givers, we most likely carry beliefs that God is to be feared. Be willing to imagine something different. Each of us gets to build a relationship with our Higher Power however we want. Really consider how you want this relationship to feel. Would you like to feel loved, cherished and supported by your Spirit? You can. A great way to begin is by starting to have occasional chats with your Spirit. Say hello to the Universe daily. Here’s an example that you can adjust to make you’re own.
“Hi Spirit!
Lead me where you need me.
Surprise me!
I am open to Miracles.
Engage the Senses
Learning to awaken my senses has been one of the most surprising and rewarding parts of healing. As someone with ADHD, I can loose sight of details and instead see only a wash of visual information. Details, unable to be discerned are lost in a sea of stuff. There was no sensual pleasure for me - only organizational obligation. As I got more involved in spirituality, I reduced the nervous system disruptors like caffeine, sugar and alcohol because they seduced me into a buzzy disassociation. Then I began adding beauty around our home - incense, naturally scented soy or beeswax candles, diffused essential oils. I started to make small simple altars around the house - I grouped meaningful objects together and placed them where I wanted to find more joy and serenity in our home. It helped me to understand what objects were important to me and why. The altars created moments of pause and personal recognition. They served as a reminder that I am more than just a body and a brain - I am also Spirit.